The first time I experienced loss I was too young to know what it meant. I was feeling emotions that I had never even fathomed, and I didn’t know what it meant to grieve, so I looked to my family for guidance. I observed the way in which adults surrounding me dealt with these intense feelings. From this, I adopted the notion that grief is supposed to occur only in private spaces. I became very aware of the fact that any time I tried to others to talk about the losses I had experience, whether it was friends or family, they either became very uncomfortable or were reminded of an unbearable grief of their own. I came to the conclusion that it was better to keep these feelings to myself because I didn’t want anyone else to feel burdened by my emotions. Throughout my life I have grieved primarily by myself; and to my best understanding this was the only way it could be. The names of my lost loved ones became essentially unspoken even within my immediate family. When they were spoken, an overwhelming surge of sadness filled the air surrounding the conversation. These instances of emotional repression have led to a method of grieving that I have defined as grief spells. 

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Grief Spells, as a series, explores the unpredictable nature of grief through self-portraiture. Each piece in this series is representative of an individual grief spell that has a differing level of emotional intensity. “Grief” in this case refers to the emotions that occur as a result of a major loss. “Spells” is meant to define my experience with grief coming and going in varying intensities. The combination of layering and loose mark making works to express the strange relationship between grief and time. In my own experiences, time becomes warped in instances of grief – during one spell it may feel as if the loss occurred yesterday, in another it may feel as though years have passed. The backgrounds in each painting emulate the unsteady and vibrating nature of time while the gestures of the layered figures react in slow motion, grounded within an unsettled space. Each piece is painted in an expressionistic manner with gesture and immediate mark making being the main vehicles of style. The physicality of this style and the painting process enhances the tangibility and realness of this emotion. 

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In each piece the figure is situated in a private space. This allows the series to act as a window into a place that is otherwise inaccessible, confronting the viewer with a representation of the actual human experience of grieving rather than an idea of how it could possibly appear. One of the most important things I have come to realize and want to bring awareness to with this series is that while grief is personal, it is a shared human experience that must be addressed and processed like any other emotion. With this series I encourage conversation and healing amongst those who view it.